[dated to September 23]

[jianhuo]

She's been debating it for days now, going back and forth, and she knows she needs to just do it and get it over with. Nothing's going to change where this is headed, she knows that.

They'd never even slept together, but maybe that had been Saffron's mistake. Maybe that's where she'd gone wrong, thinking if she went about it the so-called proper way for once it would make a difference. But now she knows the truth. Katie talks to her sometimes about Russell, but even if she hadn't, Saffron would know now after seeing them together. She could see how they feel about each other, could see that the way Russell looked at Katie isn't the way he looks at her. She's not interested in trying to compete with Katie, someone she cares about and considers a good friend. And she isn't interested in being passive now. Men always left. Well, not this time. She isn't going to wait around for it to happen.

She's home, but she doesn't know if he is, so she takes out her phone and texts him. Hey, are you home? Mind if I come up for a minute?

Comments

[boo_fuckin_yah]

He's got the afternoon and evening off for once and when his phone buzzes on the coffee table, there's a few minutes where Russell just considers leaving it. Chances are it's just work, trying to call him in, and Russell really doesn't want to go out tonight, but maybe it's someone else and so he finally leans forward and grabs his phone, relieved to see a text from Helen instead of his boss.

Yeah, I'm here. Come on up. He sends it, then looks at his living room, still a little messy from his late lunch, then begins to tidy up before she gets here.

[jianhuo]

He doesn't answer right away, and for a couple minutes Saffron wonders if she's going to be able to put this off yet again, unsure whether or not that would be a relief. But then her phone dings as she's fixing her hair just in case, and she takes a resigned breath.

For a long moment, she stands with her hand on the knob of her front door, unable to open it and walk out. She can't even debate with herself the reasons to not do this, though, and finally she swallows hard and sets her shoulders. "Don't be a child," she whispers to herself in Chinese, and a moment later she's opening the door, heading two flights up and knocking at the door to Russell's apartment.

[boo_fuckin_yah]

By the time she knocks, he's mostly gotten the living room cleaned up, although the kitchen's still a mess. Still, he figures Helen probably won't care much, especially since this isn't exactly a planned visit and he's only had a couple of minutes to make sure he doesn't look like a complete slob.

"Hey," he says when he opens the door, giving her a grin. "C'mon in. My kitchen's... kind of a disaster, sorry."

[jianhuo]

"That's all right," Saffron replies with a smile that's not quite reaching her eyes. "I'm the one that gave you pretty much no notice. Sorry about that. I just..."

She trails off into silence, and a moment later she's stretching up onto her toes to kiss him, her arms winding around his neck. Maybe it's a weakness, but she just wants this one last time.

[boo_fuckin_yah]

Something's wrong, Russell can tell that much, and even as he kisses her back, he's frowning faintly. There's a lot of stuff that can go wrong here and he's trying to recall if he's heard anything, read anything in the news, something that might give him an idea about what's going on with Helen. Maybe one of her friends is gone, he knows what that's like.

"You okay?" he asks, pulling back a little to look at her.

[jianhuo]

She's not, not at all. This is going to be even harder than she realized. She wishes she could just stay here in his arms, get him to kiss her again, but she knows she can't.

Saffron doesn't reply, not directly. "Can we sit?" she asks, pulling her arms from Russell's shoulders reluctantly. "There's something I need to talk to you about."

[boo_fuckin_yah]

"Yeah, of course," he says, though he's got no idea what has her sounding so serious. He turns back toward the living room and leads her toward the sofa. It's a hell of a lot cleaner in here, anyway, and he's not quite as embarrassed about the state of it.

"Just gimme a sec," he says, searching for the remote under a few cushions before he finally finds it and is able to turn off the TV.

[jianhuo]

It's strange, but Saffron's never really had to do this before. Something like this is pretty different from telling a guy they need to end their friends-with-benefits arrangement, and even that she hasn't done much of. She always knows the right thing to say at the right time, thanks in part to training and in part to natural talent, but for a moment she's at a total loss for words as she sits there with Russell on his sofa.

"I'm not sure there's really any easy way to say this," she says in a voice that's much more hesitant and unsure than usual, "so I reckon I'll just come out with it. I think maybe we ought to stop seeing each other. Stop dating, I mean." Silently, she hopes he doesn't ask too much about why, because she'll have to make up a reason, and she really doesn't want to lie to him.

[boo_fuckin_yah]

When she speaks, Russell isn't even sure what he feels at first. There's disappointment, because Helen's not like any other woman he's even imagined he might have a chance with, but there's a little sense of relief, too. He hasn't known what to do for a long time now, his growing feelings for Katie pretty much becoming impossible to ignore.

But even so, for a second, it kind of feels like someone's got his heart in their fist.

He'll respect any decision she makes, that's how he was brought up, but he can't help but ask, "How come?"

[jianhuo]

Not because I want to, she thinks. Her initial answer, at least, can be the truth, if not the whole truth. "I do care about you," Saffron says, "very much. But I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and...I don't really see a future for us. I think maybe you sense that too."

If he takes her words to mean that her own feelings aren't enough to last, then so be it.

[boo_fuckin_yah]

He does. That's the thing that makes this at once harder and easier to swallow.

Briefly, he thinks about arguing with her, he thinks about giving her a whole bunch of reasons why she's wrong, but she's not wrong. He lifts one hand and rubs his face, then drops it and looks at her. "Yeah," he agrees, because there's no a lot of point in lying. Helen's certainly not stupid and she's not going to believe him if he starts lying to her now. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

[jianhuo]

She knows she's right, and what's more that she's right from his point of view, but that doesn't stop it from hurting when he confirms it. At least he's not arguing the point, Saffron supposes. The last thing she wants is for this to turn into some kind of drug out spectacle or a fight between them.

"I think," she starts, then has to pause for a half a moment before her voice catches. "I think I'm going to need just a little time. But I really would like for us to stay friends, if you're willing."

[boo_fuckin_yah]

Russell's not sure what to say to that. It feels like something she should withhold from him because he's an idiot, a punishment for not being better at any of this, but she's not. She's not telling him to leave her alone forever or keep to himself and he looks up, confused.

"Yeah," he says, his brow still creased a little. "Whatever you need and... yeah, of course I wanna stay friends."

[jianhuo]

"I'm glad," Saffron replies, though the smile she manages is barely there, more like something hinted at than actually present. She can't stand the look on his face, hating that she put it there and can't just kiss it away, and abruptly, she stands.

She can hold it together until she's out of sight, but only if she leaves now.

[boo_fuckin_yah]

Russell stands, too, although he's not sure what he's supposed to do now. It's obvious that Helen wants to get out of here and it's not like he blames her. Right now, he needs to be alone to process everything.

"Uh... you can call me," he says, because she said she needed time and he's not going to pressure her or anything. She'll be the one to decide. "When... if you want."

[jianhuo]

"I will," she says, and she means it. She doesn't know how much time she will need exactly, but Saffron knows she hates the thought of cutting Russell out of her life completely. She will be calling him.

Slipping her hand into his, she lifts up onto her toes and presses a soft kiss to his cheek. As much as she wishes things hadn't turned out this way, she can't hate him, and she needs him to know that. "I'll...talk to you later," she says as she squeezes his hand before releasing it, not wanting to use the word goodbye.

[boo_fuckin_yah]

"I'll see you later," he agrees, still feeling a little confused, like he's not quite sure what just happened. He wants to blame being small town and he's sure that's part of it, but it's not all. Russell's not used to dating more than one woman at a time and he's been feeling guilty about it for weeks now, trying to figure out what to do about it and here Helen is, handing him a solution.

But he still feels weirdly guilty.

"I'm sorry, Helen," he says suddenly.

[jianhuo]

His apology isn't exactly a surprise, because she knows him, but when he speaks it's all Saffron can do to not break down right then and there. She manages to school her expression, but it's a close thing.

"You don't need to apologize, honey," she says, and means, because he can't control his feelings any more than she can. She gives him a final, faint smile, a hand raising briefly to rest against the center of his chest, and then she walks herself out, shutting the door behind her.

She makes it all the way back to her apartment with dry eyes, somehow, barely holding it together by the end when she slips inside, closes the door and leans back against it, and then gives in to the tears. Her hands covering her face, she slides down to the floor, knees bent, shoulders shaking. This, she knows, was the right thing to do, and it was also a wake-up call.

Even if she hadn't already suspected that it's all she's valued for, she's got proof now that the notion is true after deliberately holding off on revealing her skill in the bedroom. She's got her training, and she's got her cooking skills. It's time to stop deluding herself, she decides. Time to stop pretending she's anything other than what she is. Time to stop hoping she'll mean more to any man than what she always has meant. She's always known that, even if she forgot for a while.

She won't forget again.