jianhuo | (no subject)

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epsilon

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It's been a long day, and Saffron's pretty tired once she finally gets all the kids calmed down enough to go to sleep. But Church is working late, and as is often the case when that happens, she finds herself unable to sleep without him beside her. Sometimes she reads, or draws herself a bubble bath, or does a little baking. Tonight, she's got the TV on.

They went ahead and paid to keep the interdimensional cable, Saffron ignoring the small nagging worry that one day Church might stumble upon that little show starring her ex-husband and his ragtag band of misfits. She doesn't want the kids sitting in front of the thing for hours on end, but it's useful for 20 or 30 minutes here and there when she really just wants to get something done. She's curled up on the couch with a cup of chamomile tea as she flips through the channels, looking for something that seems interesting to watch, when she switches to a program that's just beginning and nearly drops the remote as a voice says, "Hi. My name is Leonard Church."

Of course she keeps watching, even though she feels like she shouldn't, and while she sees some things that are familiar from what Church told her, there are some things that are new. Saffron takes it all in, engrossed in what's happening, and hours later she barely hears the key in the front door as Church and Carolina are talking about goodbyes.

[she watched seasons 9 and 10]

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I don't even know what fucking time it is when I step into the condo. It's one of those days where I just let Delta take over and do what he needs to do to keep the paperwork in check and the garage afloat. I know he's considerate enough to text Helen, let her know I'm going to be late so I'm not too worried about sneaking in past o'dark-thirty. At least not until I hear my own voice coming from the living room. And then Carolina's.

"Your mother sounds like a smart lady."

"She was, she really was. Had terrible taste in men though."

I freeze because holy shit that's really me and Carolina. Back when we decided to leave the Reds and Blues, try and fix some of what Freelancer put wrong. And it's on the fucking TV. Me and her, talking about Tex and the Director and... shit, how much of my life is on there? Is Helen watching, or did she just fall asleep in front of it? Oh, please let her be asleep. Don't let her see all that crap, all the bad things we did and what we had to do to make it right.

I step into the living room and see well little AI me and that familiar armor. Damn, I really do miss her sometimes. "Babe? You up?" Hopefully it's not loud enough to wake up the kids. Because that's not a thing I can explain right now.

She looks up at the sound of Church's voice, not on the TV but there in the room. Saffron wonders just what all is running through his head, coming home to find her watching this. She knows there's about a million things running through hers.

"So that Tex," she says, softly so as not to wake up the kids. "She's quite a woman, isn't she? I have to admit, though, I think I like Carolina a little better."

I can't do more than sink into a chair as I listen to the end of the... episode? Hearing Doughnut calling out for me and me and Carolina not being there. With time, I realize it was kind of a dick move, us leaving without telling anyone, but what could we say? Hey, we're going to go finish cleaning up Freelancer's messes, don't worry? They'd worry. I know my guys, they're idiots, but they're good guys, they'd want to help. Especially Washington.

But they'd done enough. Depending on what Helen just saw, even she probably knows that.

As for the rest? Well, my head doesn't explode anymore when I think about Alison. Everyone's grumbling inside, Sigma wants to know how this is possible, Delta's telling me we probably owe Helen and explanation, Theta's wondering if we missed seeing North again, and the twins are doing what they do best, keeping Omega from threatening to blow up the TV.

Me? I'm just staring as some credits begin to roll and finally end on Carolina going back to the bar, the one she met York in. I've got a lot of regrets about how things turned out for everyone, but that right there? That fucking hurts. Makes it hard to talk around the sudden lump in my throat, but I manage.

"Yeah? Well, don't her that. Ego's big enough as it is."

Saffron's not really sure where to start with all the questions running through her head. "So you were...trapped in a memory unit for a while, apparently," she says, figuring the best place would be to give him a rundown of everything she just saw so he can explain. "And that horrible relationship you've mentioned a couple times. That was her, I'm guessing. Tex. Or Alison. Then you and Carolina and the reds and the blues went off to find the Director - that's him, right? The original Leonard Church, the one Alpha was based on? Well, now I guess I know what you're going to look like in about 20 years."

She takes a slow breath. "You were right, though. You are better than him."

"Yeah, that's Alison. Or what was left of her. After..." I can't even look at Helen right now. Not because I'm ashamed or I feel like I've been lying. I haven't. When she's asked, I've talked, she just... she's never asked about all of it. Just pieces. Enough to understand the other guys in my head.

Why I have nightmares sometimes.

Shit. I can't even imagine what she's thinking. "And yeah, that's the asshole that made the crazy that I eventually came from. So I'm guessing you saw Project Freelancer, then? Pieces of it, maybe? You saw the others?" I tap my head so she knows who I'm talking about. "We used to be... a lot smaller then."

"I saw them, and the soldiers they were put into," Saffron confirms. "Apparently Theta's always been adorable, but I wasn't too surprised about that."

She looks down at her hands, then back up at Church, who is currently refusing to look at her. She wishes he would. She's not angry - it's just a lot to take in. "I saw what they did to Alpha. The torture. What they did to all of you." How Epsilon was created. "He didn't deserve the mercy you showed him, at the end."

"Yeah, he and North were..." I wince, but I don't know if that's me or Theta. And I don't know if we're upset because apparently our pasts, and our friends, were something to just watch on television like some fucked-up reality show, or because we didn't get to see. I try not to think about the Freelancers too much. Hell, here I try not to think about any of it, it isn't relevant in my new life, but seeing them again - North, York, CT, Wash, shit, even Maine and South - it would have been nice. Maybe to remember not just how they died, but how they lived.

"I'm sorry, babe, it's just... memories." And maybe the Director didn't deserve mercy, but that was Carolina's decision. And, I suppose, her right. She was his daughter and look at what he did to her. What he convinced her to do.

Some other program has started, and Saffron clicks the TV off before setting the remote aside, her attention on Church. "No, I'm sorry," she replies. She remembers what it's like to walk in on someone she cares about watching her story. "I shouldn't have watched. I just heard your voice and I wanted to see what happened."

"No. You don't have to apologize. I probably should for not telling you everything. Or not making what I tell you make sense. Shit, sometimes we don't understand the half of it, sweetheart." I scratch my head, trying to make the right words come out. And for once the fucking peanut gallery is completely silent. No help there. Assholes. Not really, not all of them, but still, assholes.

"Hell, I'll make you a deal, it ever comes on again, watch it if you want. Ask questions later." How bad can it be, right? I know how fucked up my life's been, look at how hard it is for me to think about what little I've told her. Okay, it may be lazy, letting the TV do the talking and explaining for me but it probably makes more sense that way, right? Without me to filter it all? "Shit, if I'm home I'll watch it with you, I miss some of those guys like hell, might be nice to see them even if it's just on TV. I mean, I don't even know where to begin with half the shit's that happened to me - I ever tell you about Tucker's alien baby? That shit was weird. And the time I was just a flying ball of metal laser-fury? ...Point is, I don't want to have secrets for you, but I don't know what you need to know. We don't... I guess we don't talk about this kinda stuff all that much, do we? Is that bad?"

Please don't be bad. Please don't be bad.

"No, baby, it's not bad," Saffron promises. "I know there are things that can be hard to talk about. You're not obligated to tell me everything about your past, ever." There's the whole issue of her not telling him about a hell of a lot of her own past, but Saffron's fairly sure she'd feel the same regardless.

She stands, goes over to Church and takes his hands in hers. "If you want to talk, I'm here to listen. Or if you'd rather watch it together the next time we happen to see it's on, we can do that too."

"Those other versions of me, the Director, Alpha, they fucked everything up. And I'm still pissed off about it. We all are. Although where that left off, I don't think I'd realized yet how much of the others were still in here." I tap my head and can feel Delta nodding along. They'd had a brief moment, when we confronted the director and then they'd been quiet again until I needed them. We needed them.

"I just... I don't want all that to fuck this up. Us. You... and the kids, all of this domestic shit means too much to me to lose it over some secret I didn't know was important."

Saffron shakes her head as she settles herself in his lap, her arms winding around his shoulders. "It won't," she assures him. "I love you, Church. You're not going to lose me or the kids, not if I have any say in it." Neither of them has any control over disappearing, which is something she tries not to dwell on too much, but she can't imagine ever willingly leaving. Not when it would destroy her to be without him, and her unexpected little family.

"I love you, too, babe. And I promise, you can ask me anything. Any time." And I hope like hell I'll have answers. I don't know that I will. So much happened. And fuck if I know what they future's going to hold.

So I do what I can, I wrap my arms around her and bury my head in her neck. I'm exhausted. Seeing that again. Remembering it? I know we're not gonna sleep well tonight, i can already tell.

She settles in close, her arms tightening around him as he pulls her closer. Saffron knows Church isn't intentionally keeping things from her. She's got plenty of secrets from her own past she isn't exactly willing to talk about. All she cares about is here and now, and she's fairly confident she knows this Church, the one that's here with her and the kids, pretty damn well.

"How are you doing?" she murmurs, running the fingers of one hand lightly through his hair. "How are all of you doing?"

"Right now the guys are kinda quiet. I think seeing North and York again was a shock for Theta and Delta. Omega's pissed that everyone didn't die and Sigma's pissed his plans for Maine weren't realized. He was really looking forward to seeing what would happen. Me? I'm just hoping everyone's okay where we left them." They had to be, right? I mean, Wash is taking care of them. Tucker's not a complete waste anymore. The Reds are... the Reds. And Caboose... well, he'll get over it. Eventually. Me leaving, I mean.

It's just not a great place for me an' Carolina to be. Not as angry as we are. Were. Shit.

She's not sure how to help him right now, or if he even wants or needs her help. Saffron has a feeling Church won't sleep easy tonight, but at least she can be there by his side.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asks, not sure if he wants to talk much about it, at least right now. "What do you need?"

"I wish we knew the guys were okay." It's the truth, and I can feel Theta, Delta and the twins agreeing with me. Even Sigma, although I'm pretty sure it's because he wasn't to go back and maybe fuck with them some more. But just knowing that, maybe this whole moving on/settling down thing I'm doing won't feel like such a... betrayal.

I already walked out on them, be kinda shitty if I didn't check in at some point, right?

"But other than that, you're doing it. Whatever I need, pretty sure I got it right here." I give her a squeeze so she knows it's her. Not that she doesn't. She's pretty awesome like that.

Jesus fuck, I'm whipped.

Saffron wants to assure him they are, but she has no way of knowing if that's true or not, and she's not going to try and give him a promise she's in no position to make. "Maybe if whatever that was I was watching comes on again, it'll show more," she suggests. "Whatever happens next."

At his squeeze, she smiles a little, pressing a kiss to his head. "It was kind of nice getting to see them, and put faces - well, armor and in some case faces - to names. I can see why you miss them."

"They're assholes, but they're my assholes, I guess. You have anyone like that back home?" She doesn't talk about her home. And usually I don't ask, but there is some turn about here, right? I get to have one question? Or is that not how this works?

The peanut gallery is doubtful but the words have been said and I can't really take them back now.

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